Each year I try to approach my birthday with optimism and flare with "try" being the optimal word. Now don't get me wrong, I am not one of those women who loathe getting older and refuses to tell others her age. Nor am I that woman counting the hours, days, and weeks until I get married and have babies, ready to sound the ALARM if it doesn't happen by a certain date. At this juncture, I am honest enough with myself to admit career anxiety is a major contributing factor. Why? You are what you do in this society. And each rung on the ladder that most of us climb unfortunately is associated with a specific age.
Now for those of you reading this who have either: (1) somehow missed the proliferation of reality TV where a person's dreams (i.e. marriage, singing/fashion/modeling career, working for a narcissistic CEO) becomes a reality in 15 episodes or less; (2) avoided the media attention on the multiple generations of young and rich kids becoming famous BECAUSE they were born pretty, rich, and the offspring of a real celeb; OR, (3) actually believe your current career/job is your path to happiness and abundance --- please excuse the confessions of this post-civil rights, Gen X’er. Like most people in/around/influenced by/engaged with the U.S. it is a challenge NOT to judge ourselves on the arbitrary guidelines created by media industries. We watch a twenty-something on “American Idol” become an overnight superstar, yet return to our daily lives where success and validation often take years to produce. And each one of us process the "fallacy of success" in our own way, never knowing how close we are to someone’s finish line of accomplishment. In this respect each birthday presents a new, different challenge for me.
And on this 33rd birthday, I have another unique pressure. More than five people have reminded me that this is the alleged year that Jesus died, as if I can actually compete with Him. As far as standards go, who in the hell can top that? Let me be clear, I don't have a problem aspiring to be like Jesus. It is a noble quest that I hope everyone recognizes in my commitment to my community and injustice. But even the most devout priest might admit the standard of Christ's 33rd year is a bit high, as it was the tipping point for a revolution (at the time) called Christianity.
Now don’t get me wrong, JC was the MAN, literally - a revolutionary, a spiritual and activist force that profoundly influenced a political state, a teacher, mentor, and friend. There is no better standard for one to aspire to be like. But he is a standard for Greatness. And I am conditioned to prioritize success as my top standard. Success has become the mantra of the post-civil rights poster children, myself included. Why? On the one hand, success is easier to define and chronicle than Greatness. On the other hand, most people of color, and black folk in particular, that aspire to TOO MUCH Greatness, die really young. So, what is a black girl named Heidi, who is hell bent on changing the world, do with this conundrum? She struggles to balance the two.
In celebrating this birthday, I have decided on the theme, "Bold Visions, Great Acts". It is applicable to my life in several ways – family, faith, relationships, career, but the short of it is "to try the impossible." I want to do that thing, that one impossible task that appears out of reach and unattainable but by a thread of hope, and see how far I get. Many things have been declared impossible, and a religion was created that permeates every aspect of society whether you identify as a Christian or not. A civil rights movement changed a nation and 60 years later a black president was elected in the U.S. This theme also is a commitment to “love more of the ride, regardless of the outcome”. Only the control freaks understand this and that is okay. But as a person who is called on, depended upon, and ask to fix other people bulls*^t on a regular basis, I can assure you that enjoying the process of things (i.e. how things get done) is secondary to an effective outcome. The problem is that when you achieve certain success, you are sometimes too exhausted to truly enjoy it. I choose less of that and more of the moments that are sometimes lost forever. I love my life and most of the people in it. In this new year of mine, though, I want to experience it as never before. After all, I am bold and I am great. ~ A Black Girl Named Heidi
Now for those of you reading this who have either: (1) somehow missed the proliferation of reality TV where a person's dreams (i.e. marriage, singing/fashion/modeling career, working for a narcissistic CEO) becomes a reality in 15 episodes or less; (2) avoided the media attention on the multiple generations of young and rich kids becoming famous BECAUSE they were born pretty, rich, and the offspring of a real celeb; OR, (3) actually believe your current career/job is your path to happiness and abundance --- please excuse the confessions of this post-civil rights, Gen X’er. Like most people in/around/influenced by/engaged with the U.S. it is a challenge NOT to judge ourselves on the arbitrary guidelines created by media industries. We watch a twenty-something on “American Idol” become an overnight superstar, yet return to our daily lives where success and validation often take years to produce. And each one of us process the "fallacy of success" in our own way, never knowing how close we are to someone’s finish line of accomplishment. In this respect each birthday presents a new, different challenge for me.
And on this 33rd birthday, I have another unique pressure. More than five people have reminded me that this is the alleged year that Jesus died, as if I can actually compete with Him. As far as standards go, who in the hell can top that? Let me be clear, I don't have a problem aspiring to be like Jesus. It is a noble quest that I hope everyone recognizes in my commitment to my community and injustice. But even the most devout priest might admit the standard of Christ's 33rd year is a bit high, as it was the tipping point for a revolution (at the time) called Christianity.
Now don’t get me wrong, JC was the MAN, literally - a revolutionary, a spiritual and activist force that profoundly influenced a political state, a teacher, mentor, and friend. There is no better standard for one to aspire to be like. But he is a standard for Greatness. And I am conditioned to prioritize success as my top standard. Success has become the mantra of the post-civil rights poster children, myself included. Why? On the one hand, success is easier to define and chronicle than Greatness. On the other hand, most people of color, and black folk in particular, that aspire to TOO MUCH Greatness, die really young. So, what is a black girl named Heidi, who is hell bent on changing the world, do with this conundrum? She struggles to balance the two.
In celebrating this birthday, I have decided on the theme, "Bold Visions, Great Acts". It is applicable to my life in several ways – family, faith, relationships, career, but the short of it is "to try the impossible." I want to do that thing, that one impossible task that appears out of reach and unattainable but by a thread of hope, and see how far I get. Many things have been declared impossible, and a religion was created that permeates every aspect of society whether you identify as a Christian or not. A civil rights movement changed a nation and 60 years later a black president was elected in the U.S. This theme also is a commitment to “love more of the ride, regardless of the outcome”. Only the control freaks understand this and that is okay. But as a person who is called on, depended upon, and ask to fix other people bulls*^t on a regular basis, I can assure you that enjoying the process of things (i.e. how things get done) is secondary to an effective outcome. The problem is that when you achieve certain success, you are sometimes too exhausted to truly enjoy it. I choose less of that and more of the moments that are sometimes lost forever. I love my life and most of the people in it. In this new year of mine, though, I want to experience it as never before. After all, I am bold and I am great. ~ A Black Girl Named Heidi
No comments:
Post a Comment